TESS HOWARD 'STRONGER THAN EVER' AFTER OLYMPIC HEARTACHE AND REHAB HELL

“I didn’t fit in at school. I felt lost, awkward and I had this sense of an emptiness,” recalls Tess Howard. “When I found hockey suddenly everything clicked and I developed confidence I’d never felt before.”

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Put simply, discovering the sport changed the course of her life.

Hockey became – and still remains – not just a passion but arguably an obsession. A positive one it should be emphasised, which “brings light” into every aspect of her being.

Howard made her senior international debut in 2018. Her combative style and seven goals from her first 34 British appearances impressed her piers – many of whom won gold at Rio 2016. There was a genuine belief that the midfielder could be a star of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics.

Her team-mates would impress in Japan, claiming bronze, but Howard never made it to Tokyo.

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Exactly 100 days before the Games – which had been posted by a year due to the pandemic – she ruptured knee ligaments and was abruptly woken from her ‘Olympic dream.’

“I’d never had a breakdown like that in my life,” she tells the Women’s Sport Alliance (WSA). “I just lay there on the kitchen floor crying.”

The brutal reality of the injury meant Howard faced both the emotional heartache of missing the Games and a further 12 months of physically painful rehabilitation.

The East Grinstead player has been documenting her journey since undergoing surgery and spoke to WSA founder Jordan Guard at length about her comeback mission.

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Q – We know how much of a difference hockey made to your life growing up, but when did you decide it was something you wanted to pursue all the way to the top?

“As I say, hockey gave me a real sense of direction when I was younger but if we’re honest all I wanted was the England jacket. I remember my first game for the under 16’s we lost 9-0 to Holland but I was just elated to be playing for my country.

“Under 18’s and 21’s followed, but something really changed inside me after watching the senior team in 2018. I was 19, a year into university, I was rushing around trying to get the train down to London and find World Cup tickets. I remember being stat in the stadium when England played against Holland in the quarter-finals and lost.

“For some reason tears came down my face and I looked around and I was like – ‘this is what I want to do.’ I wanted to be part of that team and a World Cup. “I didn’t know when, so I set my sights on 2024 Paris, or the 2022 World Cup,

but it was three months after watching my now teammates at the World Cup that I had my first senior trial.”

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Q – What was it like joining the squad for the first time, with players you’d grown up watching and idolising?

“It was a bit overwhelming! That said, I walked into the gym and decided I had to go over and shake hands with Hollie (Pearne-Webb) the captain otherwise I wouldn’t be able to focus for the rest of the session.

“They are the people who I related to when I was a youngster, who inspired me to keep striving for what Great Britain hockey could be. They are the players who redefined what goalscoring meant to me, players who were aggressive and outgoing on the pitch and play with their heart on their sleeve.

“I never thought I would be good enough to be playing with them, but as soon as I stepped on the pitch I realised the thing that we all have in common is passion to play and a desire to win. When you have that it doesn’t matter what age you are. It’s a privilege to be alongside them now.”

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Q – You were targeting the Tokyo Olympics, but your injury ended that dream. What do you remember about that moment and how you were feeling at the time?

“I was playing in a 5v5 training session out on the pitch at Bisham having a great time when I accelerated left to right and I felt something go in my knee. I just hit the deck.

“I was screaming, my team-mates had their hands over their eyes, they knew what had happened. I had no idea. I then got up, thought I was fine, but the physios insisted on a scan.

“I thought there’s no way I’d have a bad injury, that’s not possible as the Olympics are just three months, 100 days, away.

“Then I got the call that evening saying I’d ruptured my ACL (anterior cruciate ligament) and it would be 12 months before I’d play hockey again.

“I’d never had a breakdown like that ever in my life. I just lay there on the kitchen floor crying.

“Thinking about it now I can still feel the pain. To think you’re missing out on the Olympics after working for it for so long and you feel like it’s the end of the world.”

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Q – How hard was watching your friends and team-mates compete at Tokyo 2020?

“Watching the Olympics was hard, because grief comes and goes in different ways. I was in a really good place supporting my team-mates and seeing them live out their dream.

“I watched every match and I was incredibly proud to see them pick up a bronze medal. When they got back from the Olympics I felt like another wave of grief had hit me though, so there were mixed emotions.”

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Q - How is your rehabilitation going and what targets are you setting yourself?

“I’m well into the rehab now and I feel like it’s doable - my mentality is really strong. It’s been very humbling because after major surgery you have to relearn everything – from twitching your foot, to walking and then running. I’m starting to see myself as a hockey player again though and that’s a huge switch in my head.

“I need to focus on this period being meaningful and not think about having missed out.

“Maybe I’m gaining a whole lot that I wouldn’t have had if I’d had the summer, so I feel very positive about it now and I have the energy.

“Obviously there’s still a lot to overcome emotionally but I can see the end-game which is the Commonwealth Games and I’m flipping going for it because I truly believe that I will be flying by then.

“I know that the Tess Howard who steps out onto that pitch will be smarter, stronger and ready to put the ball in the back of the net.”